Fanfic Education
by The Reviewer
Summary: All the lucky kids at Hogwarts have to take another class that will teach them about Mary-Sues, spelling and grammar and other fanfic evils >:)
1. MarySue

AN: This isn't directed at anyone in particular however you know if you own one of these horrid creatures, please do the world a great service and kill her/him…   
  
…Mary-Sue  
  
"Good morning everyone," said Dumbledore, "I've called you all here for a very serious and important announcement." He paused for a dramatic effect, "As you know there have been many fanfics in the Harry Potter section at FF.N, so therefore there shall be a new class you must take." There was a groan from the students, Dumbledore ignored it, "This class will be called "_Protection From Ignorant Authors_", you will be taught together rather then traditional way in houses. Next year you shall meet the first thing you must be wary of and have your first classes after you have identified the danger, that is all."  
  
*******  
"What do you think of the new class?" Hermoine asked on the Hogwarts' Express headed for…Hogwarts of course!  
"Hey how did we get here!?" Ron asked looking alarmed, "Weren't we just in the Great Hall?"  
"It's a fic remember?"  
"Oh yeah," he looked as though he had just woken up from a bad dream to find out he was in a real nightmare.  
  
The compartment door opened again and in came Draco Malfoy. A sneer on his lips.  
"Hey Weasley," he drawled, "Nice robes" Ron jumped up to curse his nemesis but a beautiful girl beat him to it. Her she had blonde hair that fell around her face as though framing it, red lips, a drop dead figure and shinning eyes. Malfoy lay on the floor, black from the curse she had thrown at him. She made sure to step on him as she made her way over to the aforementioned company.  
"Hey!" he bubbled sickeningly, "My name is Mary-Sue and I just transferred here from America," she said all this in a crystal voice that reminded one of angels singing. She blew a bubble with her gum.  
"Um…hi…I'm Harry and this is Ron and Hermoine."  
"Harry Potter!? Hi! Well I'd better go I'm sure all my friends are waiting for me," outside the compartment was what looked like could be half of the population of Hogwarts. Whoever wasn't cheering over what she did to Malfoy was glaring at Mary-Sue with jealousy.   
"I think I'm in love with her," Harry said, "did I just say that!?"  
"Yup, but you can't have her because she's mine!" Ron shouted. Harry and Ron stared at each other, oh no! It was one of **_those_** characters. This must have been the challenge Dumbledore had been talking about.  
  
***  
  
After the sorting that evening (Mary-Sue had been put in Gryffindor of course but Slytherin would have been suffice), Ron and Harry were sneaking around Hogwarts under their invisibility cloak. (They were trying to escape from the people who had crowded around Mary-Sue in the common room asking questions about life in America and how she did that **_amazing_** hex.)  
"Is it safe yet?" Ron asked nervously.  
"I think so."   
They stared to head back when the ran into Snape and dun dun dun Mary-Sue!   
"Oh…you win Mary-Sue!" Snape sniffed. Mary-Sue's eyes were alight and she smiled winningly, looking absolutely gorgeous in the absence of light.  
"Promise you'll never bother the Gryffindors again!"  
"I won't!" he cried practically on his knees, "I love you Mary-Sue!"  
  
Harry and Ron were looking very bewildered under Harry's invisibility cloak. Suddenly Mary-Sue pulled it off of them.   
"I knew you were around somewhere."   
"How did you know we were here! You couldn't see us!" Sputtered Harry. He couldn't help feeling a little lightheaded though with this stunning girl near him. Mary-Sue just laughed, "I can see through invisibility cloaks, my eyes are special."  
"…right" Suddenly the Earth trembled as hordes of Death Eaters invaded the castle. Harry, Ron, the rest of the student body and the staff were caught off guard but not Mary-Sue. She had been able to sense them coming because of some secret in her past.   
"Come on it's time for me…I mean for us to save the day!" She ran into the battle with her wand out. Harry and the other characters put up a brave fight (though not a brave a fight as Mary-Sue and she managed to save at least one main character along the way). More Death Eaters came until, Mary-Sue and the rest of the light side, were surrounded. Everyone looked very afraid, except for the incredible Mary-Sue; she just held up her wand and watched calmly as she blew away 10 Death Eaters.  
Out of the shadows came Lord Voldemort.  
"Mary-Sue join me."  
"Never!" Mary-Sue screamed, tears running down her face making her look even more beautiful then ever before. She then did a **_very_** complex spell and Voldemort retreated cursing her name. He sent one more spell her way (the death spell) but she is up and walking again without any trouble.  
"I've had enough!" cried Ron, "How come you won't die?!"   
"Because I'm Mary-Sue I can't die (unless it's a heroic death) and I stay forever young and beautiful."  
"She's right," interrupted Dumbledore, "She is the first creature you must watch out for and she is also the hardest to get rid of."  
"You're boring, beautiful, from America AND you can't die!!" said Harry looking as though he had been told he would have to go back to the Dursely's for Christmas.  
"Nope."  
"This isn't fair! She's too perfect," Hermoine yelled, "She's just the author trying to put themselves into their fic!"  
"10 points for Gryffindor," said a voice in the back that sounded like Flitwick.  
"But I'm not perfect! I have a quick temper and sometimes I'm evil!" Mary Sue argued.  
"It all amounts to the same thing in the end," Hermoine said wisely, with the rest of the characters nodding their heads in the background.  
"Oh well!" Mary-Sue gushed brightly, "I'm here now so why don't we all just get along, oh and don't forget to review my story all you readers and tell me how great it was. If you don't do it then I won't write any more!"  
"Now there's a punishment," muttered Draco. Mary-Sue was quick to hex him before he even had time to draw his wand.  
"Time to see if you can get rid of her," said McGonagall.  
"Let's do it!" shouted Ron drawing his wand.  
"I'm with you!" said Harry, he started to hiss and called all the snakes in the area. The snakes all came and gathered around Mary-Sue, she looked at them and they couldn't bring themselves to do what Harry commanded them (kill her! For the love of G*d!). They all curled around her feet, hissing angrily at the rest of the children. Harry looked like he wanted to cry.  
"Let me have a go," said Hermoine rolling up her sleeves. "There's no counter attack for this spell," she muttered the incantation at Mary-Sue but Mary-Sue was too quick and flung a spell back to counter it.  
"But there is NO counter spell!" Hermoine wailed in disbelief.  
"But I'm Mary-Sue! Remember?"  
"Looks like there's only one thing to do" said Ron seriously and the others nodded gravely. They leaned back, clapped their hands over there mouths and hollered up to the author.  
"We need your help! You must get rid of her!" The author was sympathetic to her characters pleas and sent a letter to Dumbledore saying the he was loosing his new transfer student. Mary-Sue was going back to hell where she belonged.  
The whole school cheered.   
  
The End? Let us hope so.  
  
AN: I know it isn't exactly funny but the point of this is for me to get out a little frustration in this "rant". Perhaps another lesson shall follow on spelling and grammar errors.   
  
Author's piece of advice for avoiding making a Mary Sue: Make a character to fit a plot, not a plot to fit a character.


	2. Spelling and Grammar

_AN: Please note that this is note directed at anyone in particular. Again I'm just letting off some steam. Once again, you know who you are if you do this. Not really funny but meh._

****

**Paragraphing, author's notes, spelling and grammar.******

            After the spawn of all evil (more commonly known as Mary Sue) had been at last vanquished, things at Hogwart's were returning more or less to normal. Unfortunately the illusion that all the students and staff members would only have to worry about Voldemort succeeding in taking over the world was about to be shattered into a million billion pieces when Dumbledore stood up to make his traditional end of the year announcements.

            "First off your first lesson in your new class 'Protection Against Ignorant Authors' was handled very well, you all discovered the one and only way to destroy her. However I'm sorry to say that was only the beginning."  Students looked nervously at each other, what could possibly be worse then Mary Sue? 

            "Your second lesson will begin as soon as you get back next year, have a good summer!" 

~Be warned. This is the point where anything resembling the basic rules of the English language end. Be ever wary.~

            A train wisle could be herd jusy as Harry was running through the barrier betweene plate from 9/3. He sighed in realif that he had meade it. I was all the Dursley's falut he was late in the first place. hermmine ran up behind him and throw her arms around his middle (AN: It's that SO cute!) "Hi honny!" she cried. Harry smiled down into her pretty brown eyes, it made him so happy to see her (AN: *Sigh*). "Holde on a second" harry yelled. "Since when do you call me honny?" hermnie looked conffused then wrinkled her noise "I can't beleieive I just do that! And why can't the auther spell my name write? If they read the books it shouldn't be THAT harde" (AN: That wasn't very nise of her! I'm sorry but I had to) harry shrugged. The tran started to pull away. Bothe of them ran after it at top speed harry managed to do an amazing jump and with 1 arm help hermonie onto the train. (AN: Double sigh) "wow that was cool" Harry began flexing his "muscles" "I think I like this type of auther, don't you Moine?" "nobel for sure" she sdaid rolling her eyeses. Suddenly Ron came up behind them, "Hey what's going on? You almost missed the train" (AN: No really Ron). "Man they made me stupide! I hate that!" "Um…shouldn't we have a pharagraph some times soon?" harry askes looking around. "just one?" hermnine muttered sarcasticaly.

****

Harry graoned. The Dursley's had beat him again and he hadn't been able to do anything to stop them even though he had blown up his aunt and threatened them enough times in the book (AN: Poor harry I just hate doing this to him but hes just so great) harrys head snaped up "Wasn't I just on the tran?" why yess harry you were. justen then his scare explolded in pian and he fall to the ground and he gritted his teeth against it until blackness came and saveded him

*******

"SLITHERIIN!" the sorting hat souted out to the hall. Harry wimpered a little to Ron, "I really confuffled, this doesn't make any sence!" "Called mayjor holes in the plot!" Herninme "Ok that's it! It's H-E-R-M-I-O-N-E got that!!!!!!?????????".  Suddenly a shadow dark the heroeses froms. Draco Malfoy was behind them (AN: He's another cuty). Surpricingly he look scarded. "Doesn't anyone now what's going on?" Harry looked really handsome whil raising an eyebrow "not a clue but I think liek this auther" Malfoy looked sick "my Dad's hiting on me I had to did a blood ritual w/ the dork lord and u likee it" he shoutede "haha you're dad's hit on you" Ron blinked "grrrrrr stupide agian" Malfoy manaded to lookslightly smuge. (AN: he's so evil I luv it) Draco looked up "on sec throught Poter I have to say you many have piont" Hermoine-this was folowed by a glare (AN: opps, sory meant Hermione hehh ^_^;;) "see that right their is the firste step" She ounded on the table "going back and CHECKING you \r work.' The boys nodded their agreemente "You see there's this little button ta the top of your tool bar called a 'spell checke', use it before you post!" "Yeah!" Ron nodded semi-coherently. "Paragraphs really help to you too know" Malfoy put in.

            Hermione sighed as the author began (slowly) following the advice, "see isn't this better and we haven't even start on grammar yet"

            "or the annoying author's notes" Harry added. Hermione looked over at him, "we must go slowly, we don't want to over whelm the author just as we're starting to get some place. Now then, the basic rules of grammar are fairly easy to grasp. 1. periods go at the end of a sentence unless it's a question in which case the question (hint hint) mark does instead. 2. Capitals at the beginning of a sentence or name, place or person. 2. Comas go where the reader may need a break or when listing something or a word is repeated twice." (AN: wow! It's that neat *cheesy commercial grin* and your fic can look this good to if you just follow these simple steps).

            "Now about those author's notes," Harry gave a quick look over at Hermione who nodded, "Author's notes should only go at the end or beginning of the fic, it's really annoying to have them in the middle. It messes the reader up and interrupts the train of thought."

"As for the obvious plot holes…well I'm not going to say anything. I've come to the conclusion that some of them must be on purpose; they're that bad." Ron said.

"Oh so now you're the expert?" Hermione asked. The author was silent. The trio smiled at each other thinking all was well until…

            "And another thing; my Father does not hit on me! There is NO proof in the book to say so."

            "Well Malfoy," Ron had an evil grin on his face, "after all it _IS a fic and that means that the author can do that if they want." Malfoy was about to retort when Dumbledore's voice filled the room. _

            "You've done very well. You found the next thing a person should be on the lookout for. Also 10 points to Gryfindor for Hermione's excellent explanation of grammar, spelling and paragraph rules." Hermione beamed, "However keep in mind Mr. Malfoy's comments, they may be useful next year." Then the Gryfindors won the house cup and there was a big, cheesy hug fest at the end (as seen on tv). 

            Until next time…

AN:_ It was a rant and it felt good. Thank you to those that reviewed, those were some really nice comments (and here, I was and still am, expecting to be flamed.) Hope you enjoy this one as much. _


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